so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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