I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
false alarm. still invincible.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
