I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
