I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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