i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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