Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
