I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
