seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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