somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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