Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
