I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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