Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
