i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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