He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
