I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
