What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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