he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
