she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize