I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
