I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize