i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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