Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
