If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize