Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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