Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize