Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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