Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
no, he came in my armpit
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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