saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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