I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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