I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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