That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
