I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
