how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
