My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
