Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
