Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize