The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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