Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
