wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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