she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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