Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
