I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize