i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
