i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
