Me. At least after what I've been through.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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