Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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