I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
