I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
