John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
