It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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