shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My cat gives me a boner
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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