He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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