Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
