Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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