apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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